Even if the rest of your relationship is good, a sex life that struggles can overshadow the good parts. Your level of happiness in life and with your partner will go up if your sex life is as fulfilling as the rest of your relationship. Once you can let go of the worry about sex, you are freed up to enjoy your life together.
Problems with sex bring a lot of hard feelings, including loneliness, sadness, guilt, fear, feelings of inadequacy, and concern about the viability of your relationship. Once you change your sex life, all those feelings can melt away so you can wake up excited about your relationship.
Sex that falters creates anxiety and pressure. Once you’ve transformed your sex life, your sexual encounters can feel easy, light, and playful. You can enjoy each other without expectations, and you’ve got flexibility in the ways you share pleasure. You can look forward to sex, no matter what happens.
"This course was excellent and so so helpful. It honestly was just what we needed. The modules were great and the homework was helpful as well and really got us thinking through things. It also enabled us to have much healthier conversations around sex than we have had in the past. Your insights and tools have been so beneficial."
Has sex become stressful, disappointing, or anxiety provoking?
Do either of you avoid sex?
Are you baffled by how this aspect of your life can be so difficult when other things work fine?
If you are in a good relationship that has plenty of love and goodwill but still struggle with sex…
If you’re able to be teammates with your partner when it comes to most challenges in life but haven’t found a way to make sex an easy part of your life…
If you want to make your relationship as solid and resilient as it can possibly be while finding pleasure and connection with each other in the process…
There’s no need to convince you of the importance of intimacy in your relationship. You already know that if this part of your life was easy and fun, it would feel like the last puzzle piece that falls into place. Life would feel so much lighter and more fun without the elephant in the room of a sex life that feels stressful instead of playful.
Led by a certified sex therapist, this course walks you through a program to take the stress out of your sex life, helping you make it as good as the rest of your relationship.
"Your class has been life-changing for us. We'd found your work through your podcast a few months earlier and had begun to incorporate some of your ideas and strategies. Although that was helpful and provided a good starting point, the class really helped us take our work together on our sex life to the next level. As a result, we're in a significantly better place as a couple."
Given how committed you are in your relationship, you’ve probably tried to tackle this before.
You may have tried talking about how sex isn’t working in your relationship. A lot. But those conversations end up in the same dead end each time, with both of you feeling worse than before.
Or you may have decided not to talk about it, hoping that it would get better over time. But it hasn’t.
You may have negotiated a frequency to have sex. But that’s ended up feeling like a quota.
Perhaps you decided to schedule sex. But over time, maybe even right away, that sex feels like checking a box. It isn’t making sex any more engaging for either of you.
Maybe you’ve even been to the doctor, hoping to take care of any physical sexual problems you’ve had. But either there hasn’t been a cure for what ails you, or the physical problem isn’t the only thing in the way of your sex life.
Without a clear process to uncover the expectations that have you stuck, to reframe how you think about sex, and to practice the fundamental shifts in mindset and behavior that you need, most couples end up more polarized about their sex life, with one person feeling more urgency and one feeling more pressure.
They fall into the trap of feeling like they have different goals and different priorities, with no clear way to work together and no sense that anything can change for the better.
As you try to make your sex life better and hit these dead ends, you feel less and less like a team. Even when you’re great together in so many areas of your life, you start to feel distance between you in the area of intimacy.
Over time, you can start to feel hopeless that your sex life could be easy and enjoyable for both of you. You resign yourself to a reality where you’re not having as much sex as you’d like, you’re having sex you don’t want, or at least one of you is avoiding sex whenever you can. Sex starts to feel like the weight dragging the rest of your relationship down, and it’s harder and harder to relax and feel good about each other and your shared life.
You may think that if you’re in the right relationship, sex should naturally happen. Maybe it was easy in the beginning and now you’re afraid that it means something’s wrong when you or your partner don’t want it as much. Or maybe it’s been a problem from the beginning, and you’re afraid it means you’re with the wrong person. It’s common to believe that good sex is instinctual and that something is broken if it doesn’t look like the easy (or hot!) sex we see in the movies.
But while procreation is natural, the ability to have collaborative and creative sex with another person requires a learned set of skills. It isn’t natural to be intimate or share a meaningful experience with another person. And when you throw in all the curve balls that life throws you – kids, jobs, aging, illness, and stress – it makes perfect sense that your sex life is going to take work.
A good sex life will take effort along the way.
Our culture promotes the idea that we should have libido – a natural and easy feeling of wanting to have sex. If you or your partner have a hard time feeling desire for sex, you may have decided you lack a natural sex drive or that you’re missing some vital part that everyone else has. You may very well feel broken or guilty. You may also believe this is just the way it is, and there’s no way to enjoy sex more (or enjoy more sex) with your partner.
While some people have this spontaneous, “proactive” desire portrayed in our culture and media, others have a “reactive” type that only emerges once they get going. It’s possible to learn to access sexual desire by finding what you need to elicit it. You can start from zero and find ways to get your brain and body involved so you actually want sex in some form or other. Learning to work with this reactive desire is a key step in changing your sex life.
Nothing is broken if you don’t feel spontaneous desire for sex; you can still find ways to want it.
“Desire discrepancy” is often seen as a problem. It’s a struggle for the person who wants more sex; they often feel rejected, as though their partner’s level of interest is a statement about their own desirability or competence as a lover. It’s a struggle for the person less interested in sex because they feel pressure that often keeps them from wanting to engage sexually with their partner. It’s common to believe that the two of you should be on the same page about how often to have sex.
The reality is that there is always one person who wants more sex than the other. That’s not a problem in and of itself. It becomes a problem when that difference in desire isn’t handled well.
You can navigate different levels of sexual desire in a way that works for both of you.
Most people have ideas about what should happen in sex, how it should go, and how it should end. If things deviate from that expectation, you can feel disappointed, afraid, or like sex has failed. If this happens more frequently, sex can start to feel risky, like it’s a test that you expect to fail or something that you have to get through and hope it goes okay. There can seem to be so many ways it can go wrong, creating more anxiety and stress than joy or pleasure.
Narrow beliefs about what sex is and what should happen are going to set you up for feelings of failure. You can expand your view of what sex is in a way that takes that pressure off. Sex involves bodies, minds and emotions; there are so many reasons things go differently or veer from what we expect. It’s normal to have difficulties, and sex can still work.
You can’t fail at sex.
So many couples struggle with sex. In fact, I believe it’s inevitable in long term, committed relationship because of all the things that can make sex challenging.
And while so many couples are talking in circles, fighting about sex, or avoiding it altogether, there are ways to avoid those blunders and work together to create your best possible sex life, increasing your relationship satisfaction, reducing your stress level, freeing up energy for the things you want to do together, and making you excited to go to bed.
The key is to shift your mindset and have a way to practice the changes you need to take the stress out of sex.
And with your permission, that’s exactly what I want to share with you.
Introducing Sex Without Stress™ ; a couple’s course for making sex easy
I’ve taken everything I’ve learned as an AASECT certified sex therapist and the experiences I’ve had working with hundreds and hundreds of couples over the years to craft a program to help you transform your sex life into something you both look forward to.
Sex without stress is not just a description of the problem and what’s got you stuck; it’s an implementation program that walks you through a process where you can change your experience.
Yes, you’ll learn about myths and mindsets that will reframe sex for you, but you’ll also go through a step by step process to have the conversations that matter, to identify what you each need to change, and to practice these changes so they become integrated into your sex life.
The end result: ease and joy in your sex life that will help you adapt to any challenges you face now or in the future.
Just $297 per couple! Add the membership group as an additional service to get the support and accountability that can help you make the most progress.
ONE TIME, PER COUPLE
Materials and Resources
6 Months Access
"My husband and I found it very helpful, and we’ve already seen a vast improvement in our sex life! We went from a sexless marriage to having regular 'playground' time."
Learn about the factors that are complicating sex for you. Change the ones you can, and adapt to the ones you can’t, creating more resilience in your intimate life.
Discover the obstacles to your desire and overcome them, learn about your on-ramp to desire, and give yourself permission to get what you need to want sex as much as you can, without having to change who you are.
Avoid the traps of your natural desire discrepancy, learn how to handle your side of that difference, and work together to collaborate on a sex life that works for both of you.
Change how you think about sex and expand what “counts” as sex so that you always have options for sharing pleasure and connection with each other.
The first step in transforming your sex life is to understand exactly how you’re stuck. While couples get caught in a similar cycle, you have your unique way that sexual stress shows up in your life.
In this module, you will learn about the way disappointment, avoidance, and pressure create a negative cycle in your sex life.
Now that you understand the cycle that has you trapped, you’re going to address the myths and expectations that have set you up for failure in trying to change your sex life.
This is where you challenge the ideas you have about what sex is, how it works, and what it’s for.
When couples struggle with sex, it’s often difficult to talk about it. Now that you’ve uncovered how your sex life is stuck, you dive into talking about the issues in a way that’s constructive.
This is where you’ll learn how to introduce the topic of sex and how to talk about your concerns in a way that avoids defensiveness or attack. You’ll be on the same team as you develop empathy for each other. This is also where you’ll go through a series of questions that help you discuss how your family history and experiences have shaped you.
Once you have an understanding of how and why you’ve been stuck, and once you’ve examined how your past has shaped your thinking and your approach to your challenges, it’s time to change your understanding about sexual desire and find ways to access it in new ways.
This is where you’ll examine the desire discrepancy with your partner and how you’ve fallen into the traps of those roles. You’ll also learn about reactive desire and how to work with it so that it’s easy to engage in sex with your partner.
Once you have the background understanding of what’s got you stuck and where your challenges are with wanting sex, it’s time to see how these issues play out for you.
This is where you’ll each identify how you contribute to the problematic dynamics, and you will create your game plan for what needs to change.
Once you’ve gotten a clear picture of your role in the struggles and what you need to work to change in yourself, it’s time for the touching exercise that you’ll use to change these beliefs and behaviors.
This is where you’ll take action to transform your sex life, allowing you to implement and integrate the changes you’ve identified earlier.
Once you’ve had some experience with the touching exercise as a vehicle for change, you’ll learn how to take whatever happens and use it to direct the process. Everything that happens is useful and can be applied to making continued progress in improving your sex life.
This is where you learn to evaluate what happens during the exercise and how to use that information to keep making progress.
If you're in a good relationship but struggling with sex, this course could be just what you need to escape the cycle of disappointment, avoidance and pressure.START NOW
It is totally normal to struggle with sex. There are so many factors that can get in the way; it’s inevitable that couples will hit bumps over time. Even though you’ve felt stuck, you can change the patterns, and you can experience sex without stress.
It’s also totally normal for one of you to be more interested in tackling this problem than the other. As you’ll learn in the course, there is always one person more interested in sex than the other. Likewise, there is usually one person more interested in this course than the other. That being said, it is important that both of you are ready to talk openly and do things differently in order for you to be successful here. I have designed the course to be approachable for the person with less interest, but success still requires that you both are willing participants. If this isn’t the case, you will likely be better served by doing therapy.
It’s a common myth, but no! Just because you’re struggling doesn’t mean you’re with the wrong person or that something is wrong with you or with your partner. Sexual difficulties are common, and it’s okay to have to invest time and energy into understanding what’s going on and working to change it.
The course is especially useful for couples who are struggling with these complicating factors in their sex life. You may need to pursue some medical treatment for the conditions that affect you, but the course can help you find ways to engage sexually and to increase your sense of pleasure and connection with each other. So, even if you can’t enjoy or perform certain sexual activities, the course is about opening up the possibilities you do have.
For many of you, yes! As long as you have a foundation of goodwill, respect, and a decent ability to communicate with each other, you can have success doing this on your own in a course format. Besides, you do get access to the Stressless Support Circle that will allow you to get input and to ask questions as you go along. However, you may want to do therapy instead if your relationship is difficult in other ways, if you have lots of conflict, if you can’t communicate well with each other, or if there are substance abuse or mental health issues that complicate your situation. Feel free to email me if you have further questions.
"We were actually trying to find a sex therapist in town but couldn't find one that seemed like a good fit. We "compromised" by signing up for your class. We are so glad we made that call as we think we've made more progress over the past 10 weeks than we possibly could have done in any other setting."
Sex Without Stress™ is perfect for you if: